I appreciated your "much fun as that may be"...
Our roadmap for supported OS distributions and their default (and occasionally, errata) kernels is something that changes fairly regularly. I regret I can't just do a cut and paste and show you the list and times here, because the list is still in transition.
The next release of vtl, version 3.0, will probably be in beta next month: keep reading here for more details. In its case, we'll be dropping RH 7.1 support, but adding EL3.0 support. With OSes, that's IT, in addition to the rest of the same list for vtl 2.0.
In the case of vtl software, please note that it's NOT simply a matter of having the correct sampling drivers (VDK) for a given distribution, and its kernels. For vtl to work, its support services (DCOM layer, listed as sag processes in a ps -ef) and various supporting libraries such as glib, glibc, and glibc++ have to be of the kind of version and interdependence so as to support those services. This is in addition to the sampling driver insmod files that our VDK will compile and insert into the kernel during installing.
AND, I hear you when you say you can't use the VTune for Windows product with its Linux remote data collectors: however, those very linux remote data collectors are far more likely to successfully install and run on currently UNSUPPORTED OSes and kernel versions than the vtl products, because there are fewer dependencies on library version. And, by definition, they are considered "the" solution for vtune customers who require linux profiling and are not on a supported OS for native vtl.
1) open a premier case saying you want vtl to support your specific OS and kernel versions, list them out as you did here. This will become a feature request.
2) Consider trying to find a way to get a networked Windows server, to install VTune for Windows 7.1, to try to get its Linux remote agents working on your setup. (Seems to me the last fully supported test kernel I saw along this line was 2.6.0, but I haven't looked recently.)
I heard you say, "It won't work for me," I did. But, it could be your quickest answer to get profiling started.
If you did try this, and downloaded the eval version, and had trouble, naturally you could open premier cases about the trouble, as our evals have full support like the purchased product.